aaaaaaaaaanxietii

Zeinab Ajasa

IG: @zeeadaj

“Aaaa…” | Raven Smith | 2024

aaaaaaaaaanxietii

i waaaant to punch my feelings out the fucking window

i waaaant

to

be free from

all my fears so—

my heart, oooooh my heart, it’s— oh god it’s beating out my chest and i don’t know what to do. what do you do when everything’s falling into place but it all still feels so wrong.

what do you do.

i mean, i’m only twenty-three. almost twenty-four, five…fifty, my brain tacks on the end. it’d be foolish to think i’d know much of anything. but, a tear falls from my eyes and my hands are shaking, people are dying.

i could die. at any moment.

i’ve been trying to reconcile with it a lot lately.

some days are easier than others.

just.

skeletons.

everywhere.

and it makes deeply sad and weary and comfort is so far away sometimes.

so i ask again.

what do you do?

when anxieti’s got a hold of—?

i’m laughing, someone once told me not to rhyme.

i can’t, seem to heed the warning though. back

to the point;

anxieti. like a cool refreshing beer. only it’s not beer, it’s lemonade but you think it’s beer.

(because beer’s gross and bad)

so, fuck me for feeling this way right? i don’t know, but i’ve been feeling a little…frustrated lately.

invisible pain’s still pain

but’cha can’t see it, so,

fuck me, right?

but no and no and fuck no because, i’m still here on this fucking couch and my heart still hurts and the tears are welling up again and fuck, don’t make me go.

i don’t want to go.

to work? or die? the answer is yes.

and then i know it’s time, it’s time it’s time, i need to calm and take my medicine and take care of myself. i can do that now.

i pop my pills and pack my weed. inhale. exhale.

i’m calm-ish now. a lifelong struggle, it will be. anxieti.

&z.